When I was in high school I had this little pudge around my hips. Most Irish girls have it, heck. Most girls with big waist to hip ratios have it no matter how tiny their waist, heck, I have it again right now! Anyways, I was OBSESSED with mine. I did like a thousand crunches even when I was panting with exhaustion and I wouldn’t wear hip hugging jeans that emphasized it. I wouldn’t wear tight tshirts either. Then when I was like 16 and I got all of these stretchy spanks-esque undergarments. Like these elastic camisoles to suck in your fat and this one slippery white boned spandex corset to smooth out any lumps between ribcage and pelvis. I lost so much weight at one point they were pretty supercilious; but when I started to gain it back I was still so neurotic I would wear them under tight jeans or a form fitting tee even on like 100 degree days. It’s weird but I had never committed the undergarments to my eating disorder before, but when I found them I was like- Jay, that’s fucked up. You were fucked up. You don’t wear a spandex suit in the summer. But today I put the white one on and I wasn’t devastated when it was tight around my torso. It’s been three years since I used any of them, and just the other day I wore a clingy sock dress that showcased every bump I have from the tiny pudge where my underwear cuts in to the bump of belly under my navel and I didn’t even think about dragging one of these suckers out. I still have days where I think “shit! I ate too much!” And sometimes I have days where I don’t eat or days where I’ll eat all day long. Sometimes I beat myself up over it and sometimes I don’t even notice. But you know what? I made progress when I stopped sucking in every once of myself with spandex. I make progress when I put on a pair of leggings or shorts and don’t immediately take them off because I’m afraid my thighs are too fat. Today when I want to look different I think about buying a bike or cooking something healthy instead of starving or hurting myself with over exercise. That’s progress. It’s one step at a time and it’s shaky sometimes. But it’s there.